Miracles, Pride vs. a Humble Spirit, and Purification by Fire ~~ Part 1

I thought I'd share some of our Ebenezers on the next few posts and how we're growing one day at a time.

The miracle of pregnancy is obvious. The miracle that came during our first pregnancy with princess I was, while not unbelievable, emotionally indescribable. It was late March 2008 and after seeing my GYN I was set up for a Mammogram and Breast ultrasound. Since my mother is a breast cancer survivor these have been regular tests for me since my early twenties. I had the tests done fairly early in April. Saying that I was very uneasy about the look on the technician's face during the breast ultrasound would be an understatement. The results determined I needed to have a ultrasound guided needle biopsy of my left breast due to a mass that was detected. Finding a surgeon that would recommend and refer for the biopsy was an excruciating ordeal. When I finally found a surgeon who would take me as a patient (apparently these types of surgeons want patients who already have cancer...thought that's what biopsies were for...just saying), I made the earliest available appointment. While I waited for the day I realized that I was late. Not for my appointment, but rather for that certain monthly visitor we woman so adore. I took a test and I was elated to find out that I was indeed expecting. At my appointment the pregnancy was discussed and any potential surgery would be scheduled for the 2nd trimester. It was rough. I was nervous enough about having a biopsy while pregnant. I couldn't fathom having to undergo surgery. Worse yet, what if chemo was necessary. That would have had to wait until the birth and then breast feeding would have been out the window. This is what was going on in my mind.

After my biopsy, I decided immediately that I was not going to miss the opportunity to celebrate my pregnancy and I knew that God was the only way I was going to enjoy this time. The elders at church prayed over me for strength, for God's hand to be with the doctor's and ultimately for healing. The mass was benign and surgery would only be necessary if it grew more. I was scheduled for a follow up the week before my 2nd trimester to decide about surgery and it was then that we experienced our first of many miracles. The surgeon found the clip but she could not find anything else. She spent at least 15 minutes checking the area with an ultrasound machine. And her explanation coupled with the look of awe on her face was priceless. Apparently, sometimes these things just disappear.

We know why it disappeared! Almost 5 years later and I can remember so much of it vividly. The waiting rooms, the biopsy, the weird and achy sensation after the biopsy, the cold office when the doc couldn't find anything but the clip that was placed where the mass had previously been. I don't want to forget any of it because that was my miracle. This relationship I have with the creator of EVERYTHING is beyond description in words. All I have are words though and so the accounts of my life are how I will describe that relationship.

And so I close with this, "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning" James 1:17, both the pregnancy and the mass were gifts. They were good and perfect because "...we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose". Romans 8:28. They were good because I was reminded and able to remember that I was never alone. He was with me on the tumultuous ride of the pregnancy, blood tests for Cystic Fibrosis, concern with baby's growth, gestational diabetes, holes in my daughter's heart, pre eclampsia, bed rest, my C-section, nursing, slow weight gain for baby and post partum blues. He has walked with me, run with me, cried with me and carried me. He made me, knows me, and wants me as I am. He is changing me and I can't wait to see the finished product.

The Beginning

I'm expecting a slow start to this, just to let you know.  I do not doubt that I am a little rusty with my writing.  It has been some time now since I have allowed words in writing to convey the thoughts in my mind.  I suppose it has been a bit chaotic the past 4 years, but it has been a good chaotic, the kind I would not trade for anything.  It is true what is said about a baby changing everything...so true.  But let me go back a little further.

The journey really started in 1994 at a youth retreat.  That is when my eyes were first opened to Jesus.  Unfortunately, without the stability I needed at that age - and I won't go into specifics because this is about my journey not anyone else's so there is no need to drag anything out - I quickly shut my eyes and ran.  I suppose I had never feared failing as much as I did then and so I decided not to even try.  9 years, and so many painfully stupid mistakes later I felt that longing again.  A void that deep in my soul I knew only One could fill.  I started searching again.  Crying out.  That's when I met Eric.  That's when I met the Lord again.  That's when He reached out to me, wrapped His loving arms around me and hasn't let go yet.  And that's when I took off running and I have not looked back since.

There have still been mistakes.  Regrets.  Anxiety.  But with all of that, there has been forgiveness, grace and the promise of peace that surpasses all understanding.  There have still been fears and sadness.  But with them, there has been perfect love to cast out fear and true joy.

I married Eric in January of 2006.  I can say with absolute certainty that God made the perfect match.  We grew, but our growth really started when we were blessed with our first child.  Princess I was a force to be reckoned with...she still is.  And we thought she was it.  We could not imagine doing that again.  But, praise God, that he broke through to my heart and along came Princess A.  I could not imagine one moment without looking into their sweet faces.  I could not imagine home without the sound of their voices.  And I most certainly could not bear the thought of a moment without feeling their little arms holding me.  We are tethered to each other because of the beauty of God's blessing, provision and sovereignty.

We made a decision during our first pregnancy that I would stay home with our daughter and any future blessings.  It was a decision we made after much prayer.  We knew that we needed that solid confirmation from the Lord because the decision would likely be met with concern and judgement and we needed to be grounded in Truth to withstand the emotions that would come with that.  About a year after our little girl was born the Lord impressed upon my heart the desire to homeschool.  I began thinking about this, unsure if it was His desire or mine.  As a young girl, I wanted to be a teacher.  But in my young adult life I never gave that much thought, nor did I imagine homeschooling.  I had always pictured myself as a career woman.  But the more I thought about being a career woman, the more it felt wrong for me.  I prayerfully considered this because as with any decision this huge, I did not want to take it lightly or assume that it was God's desire for me.  I kept remembering the Psalm which I had prayed over so much in regards to more children.  Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.  I was so afraid to have more children, but I knew that I was not in control and needed to give those fears to God.  The same was true about homeschooling.  I knew that if I sought Him on this, that He would reveal to me, in His word, that the desire of my heart to homeschool was from Him.  And that is exactly what He did.  It did not happen right away.  I was given the opportunity to practice patience while I awaited His confirmation.  I was in service one morning, pregnant with Princess A, and seriously loving worship and after we opened in prayer and proceeded to announcements, there it was in the connection (our church bulletin) a homeschooling bible study group, for new homeschoolers, or those considering it.  After many months of consideration and prayer, this was an answer.  With verses in tow, Deuteronomy 6:5-9 "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates" and Deuteronomy 11:18-20 "So commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of mine. Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates", I signed up for the group and began my research.  It was my confirmation and so it began.  Our homeschool journey.

So with that said, my goal over the next couple of weeks is to bring you up to speed with our life.  I figured it best to give you this glimpse and add more details to it as time allows over the next few weeks.  Once you are up to date, my hope is that this blog would give you access to see how God is working in our lives constantly.  How He is in control and how we submit to Him.  My prayer for this blog is that ultimately, God would receive glory from it and through it.

I am truly looking forward to sharing our journey with you!!  May you be blessed by it.

For now, that is all.  ~~ Jennifer